the anatomy of an email and pie with booze

I have my work email on my personal mobile device.  It’s a double edged sword because while I don’t look like a douche with two phones in my pocket, work email is always with me.

Of course, I assume that should you be emailing me after normal business hours it’s really important because otherwise you would be building pillow forts with your kids or snuggling with your spouse or falling asleep on the couch watching American Idol.  (I really don’t know what married people with families do all night).

Since I assume you have better things to do unless “zOMG the office is asploding!”, I check every email that comes in after hours because “eep!  work email is important!” But, oh, wait, wait no.  you’re just having a thought.

I get it – you’re having a thought!  You drink diet coke and if you don’t email me that thought right now, it will disappear! Lots of my thoughts disappear and I don’t even drink diet coke!  Here’s a thought – write that email, but don’t send it until morning. Why?  Because if you wait until morning it will a) be on the top of my current inbox instead of pushed below yesterday’s date line where I have already addressed all of the things and b) no one reading it has had any tequilas.

“Wait!” you say, “What if I don’t know whether an email is important or if it can hold off until morning?”

Okay, I get that too – how do you know if something is 9pm worthy or 9am worthy?  Let’s break down the anatomy of a Very Important Email.  Here is an example of one:

• Sender:  It’s my mom.  ‘nough said.
• Subject line:  It says “reminder” but she didn’t tell me in the first place, which means it’s super important because she forgot to discuss it with me and now she is trying to play it off like she did and I’m the one who forgot.  Deflection is the first sign of being a Very Important Person.
• Greeting: She’s typing so fast to get this out; she didn’t start with her normal, very formal “Dear Eleanore”  Decorum to the wind, no fucks given is also a sign of an important person doing important people things.
• Time Stamp:  AFTER NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS.  Since this is my mom, I know that 7:53 PM is not “I’m trying to look busy while my husband is in the restroom at this fancy restaurant time.  My mom doesn’t even have a flip phone, let alone a mobile email enabled device.  No, 7:53 PM means that after she and my father had their old people timed dinner and the dishes are done and the decaf coffee’s been drank, she is eschewing alternate engagement to email me.  It was sent on a Tuesday, so yes, the Sunday Times crossword puzzle is done and not a distraction, but this is valuable pre-bedtime crafting/reading/talk on the phone time.
• Structure: It’s concise and to the point, no fluff so the eye can EFFICIENTLY skim it and know what is happening and what needs to be done quickly.  It’s almost pie day, bitch – consider yourself “on notice”.
• Content: Relevant to my interests? Check!  Time sensitive? Check!  Actionable item? Check!  Involves pie?  Check!
• Signature: “Thanks in advance” would immediately raise my ire and cause me to file this notification under “hell no”.  Mom knows this.   Mom signs it “Love, Mommy” to soften any anxiety caused by the importance and urgency of this communication.  It’s urgent, it’s after hours, but hey, we’re all in this together.

SO FINE MOM, I’LL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TIME RELEVANT SEO OPPORTUNITIES AND PUBLISH A GOSHDARN PI(E) DAY POST!

And that is how you email.  And this is how you pie with booze:

I woke up late and didn’t get to fresh pie this morning, but these links should hold you over until I get my act together and help celebrate Pi(e) Day.

Margarita Pie with tequila and triple sec

Chocolate Midnight Pie with Kahlua

Mudslide Pie with Baileys and Kahlua

Apple Torte with Calvados